I’ve never been much of a dare devil; amusement parks and big office buildings just never appealed to me as pleasant places. The thought of this suddenly brings back a time in 8th grade. My friends had planned a day during spring break to visit Great America; Illinois’ largest theme park. I wasn’t interested in the idea, but before you knew it: I was standing in line for the Raging Bull; the mother of all roller coasters there. Within an hour, we were resting in our hard, colorful seats that were nothing more than a curvy cutout in the shiny steel frame. All that held us down was a black pole with a blue top that went between our legs and clicked into place. No straps. No buckles. No seatbelts to wrap around my body and make me feel safe; only this flimsy rod with handles on it so we could hold on for dear life during the ride.
By now, ultimate fear and adrenaline is taking over me. My hands are shaking so much, I can barely even pull the lap bar into place. My breathing is heavy and erratic, and my heart is threatening to thump out of my chest and bounce away. Before I can reconsider my choice, the ride starts and our car jerks forward as it begins its journey. The crawl up to the first drop is long and agonizing. I sit there and glare at the clouds, trying to keep from vomiting. Like a snake on its belly, yet not as smooth, the coaster bumps and bounces up the tracks. Eventually, we reach the top, and our car lurches forward; my stomach dropping to the floor faster than a butterfly can flap its wings. But everything moves in slow motion once my gaze falls to my lap harness. Something must have gone wrong, because the pole is loose and wobbly; not even holding me in place anymore. My heart stops beating, then shocks back to life and begins pulsing faster than ever before. The world is still in slow motion, the screams and laughter around me seem distant and unusual. I grasp the harness with every ounce of strength I can muster up. As the coaster takes another freefall, my stomach plummets and my inertia threatens to throw me out of my seat. The seatbelt is still broken, but nobody seems to notice my tormenting situation. The ride continues on, and I suddenly vision myself rolling out of the car and onto the tall tracks that take us through the air as if we were flying. The wheels of the metal beast are like wings keeping us airborne as we soar over the park below us. The track takes us into a series of twists and turns, and eventually it’s too much; I can no longer hold on for myself. We hit another sharp right turn, and my biggest fear comes true as I am thrown out of the coaster. As I freefall through the air, my feelings of terror and helplessness crawl up my throat and suffocate my vocal chords; preventing any scream or sound. As I continue my silent descent from 200 feet, I accept my fate; I am going to die. I am going to die from a harness malfunction on a roller coaster. I am going to die falling through the air, listening to the screams and laughter of oblivious adrenaline junkies. I am going to die alone, in the last place I had even imagines visiting. But most importantly, I am going to die in absolute silence; without even the dignity of a scream to dignify the finality of my life.
And then the coaster halts to a stop.
My eyes unglue, and I realize we are at the end of the tracks, slowly approaching the platform. Cheers and applause come from the riders in ovation to the quality of the last 3 minutes. I look down at my lap and see my harness, exactly the way it was the beginning of the ride. Confusion and utter shock seep in as I realize it was all just imagination. Fake. Never happened. My friends laughed as they pointed at my face, saying “Geez, Mike! You look like you just saw a ghost” repeatedly. I told them I got the point; they could drop it now. But they didn’t care. It came up in every conversation for a month after that, and I eventually avoided hanging out with them. I had experienced the most terrifying moment in my existence, and they were going to harass me for it? But that was years ago. I’m 35 now, and my paranoia has followed me for all this time. I don’t trust myself or my thoughts; as if anything I do is another fantasy. I hardly associate with people voluntarily, and I take offense at every moment of eye contact I make with another human being; as if they are laughing at me in silence. This feeling only aroused after the roller coaster incident, and I pondered how long it would last as I looked out my window, 37,000 feet above the ground. I am on an airplane, on my way to San Francisco for a mandatory business meeting. Ironic, huh? I had to go to the meeting if I wanted to stay employed, and I had to take a plane if I wanted to be there on time. It has been the longest trip I have ever taken in my life, yet I’ve only been onboard for about an hour. Even so, thoughts of storms, shootouts, and terrorist attacks flooded my mind as I scanned the seats for unfriendly faces. My gaze fell upon a woman in the row diagonal from me, sitting in the window seat with no one next to her. She was staring at me with a blank expression; her eyes were neither fierce nor pleasant. She had raven black hair that fell past her elbows, and her silky white dress seemed to be flowing, although there was no breeze anywhere in the plane. No matter how hard I tried to pry them away, my eyes were locked on her. I felt as if I’d seen her before, but I did not recognize her as even a past acquaintance. Who are you? I wondered, and was startles when I heard a voice - not of my own - whisper back. I could not make out what was said, but the voice spoke again. I am you. It said in a soft, feminine reply. I was no longer startled; I was scared. I looked once more at the girl in the window seat, and she had not moved an inch. You have lived your life in a shell. You have not fully experienced your talents and opportunities. You are a lonely, withdrawn man. You do not deserve the soul you were given said the feminine voice, louder this time. What are you talking about? I said in my mind, my heart racing. This seemed ridiculous, but I knew it was the girl that had to be speaking to me…in my head…without even opening her mouth… This is crazy. This isn’t real, it’s just my imagination I thought, and went back to staring out my window. I can hear you. And you’re wrong. I’m as real as anything. I’m as real as the tie on your suit. I’m as real as the plane you’re sitting in. And I’m as real as all the life that’s below you. But I’m going to show you just how fragile life is. You take yours for granted, and for that, you will be punished. I was about to ask what she meant, but then the plane started bouncing, as if we were in a bumpy car ride. People started murmuring, wondering what the problem was. A beeping alarm warned us of a problem, and we all looked to the front of a plane, where a man in uniform was standing. He explained of unexpected turbulence, and asked everyone to remain calm and seated. But before he could finish his instructions, an explosion came from the cockpit and obliterated the front of the plane, flames engulfing the man that was speaking and the first few rows of people. Passengers began screaming and crying, and the plane became uncontrollable. We spun and rolled through the air as we began literally falling out of the sky. Families held close to each other, crying and praying. Dead bodies lay bloody and mangled where debris and fire had hit them. Flames were creeping through the hole where the cockpit used to be.
I looked over at the girl with the raven hair and flowing dress, and she was sitting in the same position, perfectly calm in her seat. I told you so she mouthed. I wanted to throw up and curl up in a ball at the same time. I looked around at the innocent people, children even, that she was killing. This is wrong I thought. THIS IS WRONG! But that wasn’t enough. I stood up, pointed at the girl, and screamed at her. “This is wrong! You are killing innocent people!” She simply smiled at me, and said nothing in response. I didn’t even know how she was doing it: with powers or something? But that wasn’t even important. She was punishing me, and killing all of these people to do it. A sickening feeling suffocated my organs, but I stood up and got to the middle of the aisle. The plane was slowly going into a nose dive, the open hole covered in flames was point toward the ground where we would soon be crashing. My grip on two of the seats was all that kept me onboard. Remember me I thought to myself. Then I screamed it to the world; I screamed for them all, everyone on board to never forget me. My voice faded into the background as I lunged from my spot, falling into the hole of flames. This would be the day that I did not have fear. I didn’t do what others expected. My final moments will be remembered here; falling through the fire and the flames. My existence perished here, in the blazing inferno that swallowed all that was left.
